Every mom is special in her own way but I want to dedicate this article to those mothers whose babies are in heaven, here is An Interview With A Special Kind of Mom .
First I would like to let our readers know that this is as real as it gets. I met Yaz when we were in college, we were never really close friends but we kept in touch through Facebook, I was part of her life just as she was part of mine.
In between posts and pictures we were up to date in each other’s lives.
So, when I realized she had a baby in heaven I had to write something about the raw reality of what it means to be a mother without a child. Not only that, but it had to be worthy of her and of every single woman out there who’s felt her pain.
Trigger Warning: we will be discussing miscarriage and the aftermath.
An Interview About Miscarriage
A miscarriage is the loss of a pregnancy before the 20th week of gestation.
1. Can you tell us a little bit about yourself?
My name is Yazwill. I’m 26 years old and I am a nursing student. I should be finished in May, God willing. I am married to a wonderful man Mamés Samuel. He is 32 years old. He is a software developer and at the moment has taken the load of the bills so I can go to school. We have no children and have been trying to since last August. We got married in November 2018 but have been together since August 2015. So almost 4 years now. We recently bought a home in the Lake Nona area in Orlando, Florida and everything seems to be slowly but surely falling together in place.
2. Did you know, when you had the miscarriage?
I did. I knew it in the pit of my stomach my time with my child was over. It was 3 days before my wedding day when I went to the hospital for the first time. I went because I was spotting blood. Not just pink spotting which is the “regular” type of spotting. It was red. It looked like the beginning of my period was coming on. I didn’t know what to do so I called my husband who was with his friends and told him I’m heading to the hospital to meet me there. I got an ultrasound and waited and waited and waited.
The doctor finally told me that the baby was fine. That the baby was measuring 6 weeks and that the heartbeat was strong. They gave me a shot to stop or avoid contractions and told me to be on bed rest.
The next day I was in bed all day long while everyone was at the wedding venue decorating everything for my big day which I didn’t care about anymore because my baby’s life was at risk. I noticed the bleeding would stop when I was laying down and as soon as I got up the bleeding would pick back up.
It was at that moment I knew it was over and I was prolonging something that was going to happen whether I wanted it to or not. The day before my wedding I got up to go get my nails done because at that point I was devastated and needed to get out of the room I was in before I went crazy. I told my husband the bleeding had not stopped and he wanted to go back to the hospital.
I remember I was telling one of my bridesmaids who was with me getting her nails done that I didn’t want to go because I didn’t want someone telling me what I already knew what was happening. But I wasn’t ready to hear it even though it was actively happening. As I knew it was because I was having contractions. I was having the worst pain I had felt in my life and I knew it wasn’t normal cramping.
Later that night in the hospital I got an ultrasound again but as I was waiting to get the results I lost the baby. The contractions kept coming and coming and I was actually 8 weeks along so the baby was big enough for me to have to push it out; very lightly. I knew I had to push and when I did, out came the amniotic sac with the baby, my baby. When the doctor came around, he said the baby still had a heartbeat but that obviously I was no longer pregnant.
3. What went through your head?
During the whole process? What went through my head was nothing. Literally nothing. In the beginning, I was trying to stop it. I wanted to do anything to stop what I knew what was happening. Then when I was sure I was gonna lose the baby I was just numb until I heard the words from the doctor “you’re no longer pregnant”. Then I broke down.
4. How did you feel in the following days?
I was devastated. There was a black cloud that CONSTANTLY floated over my head. Any time I saw a pregnant woman I cried, any time I went to the bathroom and wiped away blood, I cried. Anytime I had someone ask me how the baby was doing I cried. So then I decided to make a post on facebook so everyone knows and no one asks me anymore.
Which then made it worse because everyone wanted to tell me it was God’s plan, and wanted to tell me stories of when they lost babies, or of people they know that lost babies, or that I was young and could keep trying or that everything will be ok.
It was all amazing, but not what I wanted to hear at the moment. There were a lot of tears. The day after my miscarriage was the day of my wedding, I didn’t want to get out of bed. My eyes were so puffy I literally looked like I went 12 rounds in a boxing ring. I had to soak my face in cold water on and off for about an hour and a half for the swelling to go down from all of the crying the night before. The makeup artist was amazing, she did the best she could to make the dark circles as invisible as possible and she did just that.
But all in all. I was miserable.
5. What was your grieving process like?
Well, it involved not only a lot of tears and a lot of questions but also a lot of food. I dove myself in junk food and my husband as well actually. He was grieving as much as I was even though he showed it differently. I watched tv but not really, I just had it on and stared into space. And then I felt even more guilty that I was ruining my honeymoon.
We didn’t go anywhere but we still wanted to spend time happily. It was a big blur of depression and crying it all out. The more days went by the more I got closer to my old self, in a way. I have not gotten over it and I don’t think I ever will but I survive it. We are trying for another baby and I am back to communicating with God. I’m back in school and I am slowly but surely feeling more normal.
6. Did you feel any guilt?
Oh boy, did I?! I felt SO MUCH GUILT! Over EVERYTHING. I started thinking about every single thing I had done that could have caused it. I remember I carried my cousin who is pretty heavy for her age. About 50-60 lbs. She hadn’t seen me in a while and came running to me and my instinct was to carry her. That is what I feel guiltiest about because I think that was the culprit.
That night I was spotting and I felt guilty about the unnecessary stress I put myself through with my wedding; I felt guilty about indulging in sodas every once in a while because they have caffeine. And I felt guilty about arguing with my husband because the anger was unnecessary. I felt guilty about not speaking to my baby more. I started speaking to him or her maybe a week and a half before I had my miscarriage. Oh, I felt guilty about so many things.
7. How did you overcome that sense of loss?
I have not. I haven’t overcome the fact that I lost my baby. Instead, I have accepted it. So, I deleted my background picture on my phone of the ultrasound. Because I had to let my baby go to heaven. I know I will meet him or her eventually but I had to let them go.
I needed to move on in order to start trying for a little brother or sister for that baby. I don’t think I will ever overcome the sense of loss but I am living and surviving with it.
8. What helped you heal?
Prayer. My family. My husband. There is literally not much detail to this. God has always been my rock and in the hardest times in my life He has filled me with his love and acceptance and everything just seems to be fine. My family and my husband were there at my beck and call.
Anything I needed or wanted they were there to get it for me and they were supporting me through the whole grieving process. My darling husband I swear is the best man on this earth. He put his pain and his loss and his hurt aside to take care of me and I will forever be thankful for that.
9. Did you receive any support?
Yes, I did. From all sides. Everyone wanted to help in any way possible.
10. What kind of support do you wish mothers like you received?
Well, there isn’t much that can be done for us really. I wish that people would understand that right when we have lost a child there are certain things that we don’t want to hear, no matter how great the intentions are behind said comments. The best thing you can do for someone who has lost a child is to pray. Pray for them, pray for the child, pray for their family. Just pray.
11. Is there anything you would like to share with our readers?
Just that this is a common thing and that you are not alone. Many women know the pain of losing a child and there are so many support groups and places you can find other women going through the same thing you are going through. You just have to look. Also, it is ok to cry. It is ok to grieve. So many women want to be strong for those around them but in order to be strong for others, you have to be strong for yourself.
Her story is one of too many to count, and it won’t be the last but there are many things we can do in support and respect of those who have gone through this loss. Listen, offer help and never make an unnecessary comment. Loss, especially that of an unborn child is devastating. Let’s help one another in the best way, through love and understanding.
“Babies lost in the womb were never touched by fear. They were never cold. Never hungry. Never alone. And importantly always knew Love…”
Z Clarke Coates
That was An Interview With A Special Kind of Mom. Thank you so much for reading! If you found this content helpful, please be sure to subscribe to One Stoked MOM email list.
If you would like to know more about the medical portion of what a miscarriage consists of, the reasons and more click here.
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